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MENTORING
Clarify and evolve your
relationship to anger...
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Q: What is the difference between aggression and anger?
A: Aggression is a primal instinct that drives us to "push" against the world. It manifests as a fiery, embodied sensation that can be harnessed for positive or negative outcomes. Aggression can fuel personal challenges, such as overcoming limitations at the gym, excelling in competitive sports, or tapping into the raw energy of aggression itself. It can be channeled in perfectly healthy and normal ways.
Anger, in contrast, involves a relational component; it arises in response to someone or something we are connected with, typically when we feel wronged or hurt. While anger can be expressed aggressively, making the two seem closely related and often confused, it also has the capacity for healthy expression.
Q: Why do we suppress our anger?
A: Anger is often suppressed because many of us have not learned to engage with it constructively. From an early age, societal and familial influences may discourage anger, teaching us to hide, ignore, or shame it. These influences can lead us to adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as denying our feelings, pleasing others at our expense, engaging in destructive behaviors, or misusing spiritual practices to bypass anger. The root of this suppression is a lack of affirmation for our anger, preventing it from maturing into a healthy expression.
Q: What are the potential costs of suppressing our anger?
A: Suppressing anger can have numerous detrimental effects, including weak personal boundaries, diminished authenticity, strained relationships, and an inability to protect oneself or loved ones. It can mute our needs, leading to emotional numbness, limited growth, and general exhaustion. Avoiding life's challenges, inner conflict, and physical health issues due to chronic tension are also common. Furthermore, suppression can erode self-esteem, induce apathy, and drain life force energy and vitality, leaving us feeling purposeless and disconnected.
We hope these answers shed light on the complex nature of anger and encourage you to continue exploring its role in your life. The journey towards understanding and integrating anger is a profound step towards personal empowerment and healthier relationships.
Q: How can I tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger?
A: Healthy anger is assertive, direct, and proportional to the situation. It serves a protective function, communicates boundaries, and seeks resolution. Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, can be destructive, excessive, or misdirected, causing harm to oneself and others without fostering understanding or change.
Q: What about “anger management?”
A: Anger management often fails because it can act as a sophisticated form of suppression, offering the illusion of control without truly integrating anger in a healthy way. This approach typically focuses on controlling anger's outward expressions rather than understanding its roots and the messages it carries about our needs and boundaries. Real progress involves recognizing and respecting anger as a valid emotion, exploring its causes, and learning constructive ways to express it. Without addressing these deeper aspects, anger management may simply mask unresolved issues, preventing us from harnessing anger's potential for personal growth and positive change.
Q: Can you recommend any reading materials on anger that align with your approach?
A: Unfortunately, we have yet to find a book that addresses anger with the depth of care and understanding that we aim to provide in our mentoring sessions. The majority of self-help books tend to focus on "anger management," which, as previously mentioned, often overlooks the underlying complexities of anger. Our approach is the result of extensive experience and research in the fields of therapy and mentoring, combined with a lifelong dedication to being students of anger. We've integrated somatic practices, relationship counseling, effective communication strategies, and innovative therapeutic techniques to develop a unique relational model. This perspective, emphasizing the importance of navigating anger within relationships, is something we believe is not only rare but also sorely needed.
Q: What is “Resentment Clearing” and how does it contribute to our health and the wellbeing of our relationships?
A: In relationships, unresolved tensions are common, and culturally, we often accumulate anger with no outlet, leading it to brew unconsciously into a potent mix of emotions, including resentment, shame, disgust, and contempt. Without addressing this buildup, resentment can become toxic, harming both our physical well-being and our relationships. "Resentment Clearing" is a vital practice that involves expressing and releasing these pent-up emotions, clarifying their underlying causes, and thereby reconnecting us with our vital energies. It also plays a crucial role in removing barriers to deeper connections and trust within our relationships. Implementing "Resentment Clearing" as a regular practice is akin to emotional upkeep, essential for maintaining honesty and closeness with those we care about—we see it as vital community hygiene in PAL.
Q: Why is distinguishing between a "global resentment" and "specific resentment" important for clearing anger?
A: Understanding the difference between global and specific resentments is key to effectively addressing and resolving anger. Global resentments stem from general narratives we create about situations or individuals that have caused us harm or dissatisfaction, often laden with subjective interpretations, like "Beatrice never does her share of household chores," or "My coworker Frank is a lying sonofabitch." These broad statements may feel resonant emotionally but lack factual precision. To healthily clear resentment, one must critically evaluate the accuracy of these narratives and strive to separate feelings from facts.
Specific resentments, in contrast, focus on concrete instances—what someone specifically did or did not do that led to feelings of hurt or anger. For example, "I resent Beatrice for not doing dishes on Monday and Wednesday as we agreed upon," or "I resent Frank for falsely claiming to have contributed more to our project." This specificity allows for clarity and factual grounding.
The distinction matters because global and specific resentments activate different reactions in our nervous system. Global resentments can trap us in a closed circuit of negativity and constant irritation, as they reinforce broad, unchallenged narratives. Specific resentments are precise and targeted, and when your psyche "hits the target," it has the opportunity to facilitate a potential release of resentment. This approach is not only therapeutic individually but can significantly improve clearing in relationships, given the right conditions for dialogue, which brings us to our next question.
Q: Is it advisable to introduce the practice of “Resentment Clearing” into my relationships?
A: Given their potential and potency (see the previous question and answer) we recommend caution with introducing “Resentment Clearings” to your relationships without prior personal groundwork. Based on our observations, most individuals may not be prepared to navigate this process within a relational context effectively until they have engaged in substantial self-reflection and developed a strong personal understanding and alliance with their anger. Our personal and professional experiences, including mistakes and the challenge of repairing relationship ruptures, have taught us that mastering the process of clearing anger alongside someone else is a gradual journey that requires readiness and skill development.
Q: What steps would you suggest if I am ready to deeply understand and constructively work with my anger?
A: Recognizing the need to further explore your relationship with anger is an important step forward. Here are several avenues you can pursue with us at Powerful and Loving (PAL):
a) Primal Therapy Group Sessions: These sessions are designed to help you explore the full depth and power of your aggression in an intense, embodied manner. In a safe and supportive environment, you'll be guided to experience primal emotions, gaining a deeper understanding of their role and potential in your life.
b) Skill Development through PAL and Masterheart Circles: These circles provide a structured yet compassionate space for practicing and refining the skills necessary for healthy anger and expression.
c) Anger Mediation: Enlisting the mentorship of a PAL mentor in addressing and resolving specific resentments with your partner, family member, etc. It's an opportunity to work through conflicts with guidance, aiming for resolution and understanding in a safe setting.
d) Private Mentoring: For those seeking a more individualized approach, private mentoring can offer dedicated support and strategies tailored to your relationship with anger. This personalized path allows for deep exploration and targeted skill development.
e) Future Workshops by PAL: Based on the level of interest and need within our community, we are committed to providing future workshops. These will be designed to further explore the nuances of anger, offering advanced strategies and deeper insights based on the collective feedback and growth of our participants.
We hope these answers illuminate the multifaceted nature of anger and inspire you to further explore its role in your life. Embarking on this journey can be both exciting and deeply rewarding. Remember, understanding and integrating anger is a profound step towards becoming a powerful and loving man.
Warm regards,
Anthony & David
If you want to explore how to evolve your anger further, we are committed to this path long term. Let's talk...
